Monday, December 7, 2009

Spinderella Reflections, Part Two and Conclusion

Let's see now, we left our brave heroine with a winged roller skate stuck to her head, talking to the Fool, and stunned by the monumental list of tasks she was expected to complete, in order to purchase her everlasting freedom from the evil wicked bad dweeb.

"So how am I to accomplish all these tasks? I am just a prisoner of an evil wicked dweeb and though I can torch and dismantle buildings and carve tombstones in a New York minute, I don't know anything about white elephants." The fool gave her a sword and a cute silver Vespa. He reminded her that she now had fully functioning adrenals as well. So she (figuratively) girded her loins, hopped on the moped and putted off in search of the elements necessary to purchase her freedom. The skate floated along just slightly behind, zooming a little left, then right, determined to keep her company.

After long and arduous, adrenal soaked journeys, most of them death defying, she was able to complete all but the very last of the tasks. She always returned to the Fool with her trophy and amazing, glorious stories to tell. They were mesmerizing, captivating, beyond belief! Oohhh, but that last task, the most impossible thing to do of all-nothing, no one could capture the elusive and magical lemon-pepper fish of the Ohio River. Agony and pain, depression and futility! Woe and more woe....the thought of returning to bad dweeb had our heroine entertaining serious thoughts of falling on her sword. BUT! The Fool was so delighted with his treasures and her skills at storytelling, he had just an eensy bit of pity regarding the lemon-pepper fish mission. He gave her a magic wand that looked a little like a scepter and told her to go back to the river and wait.

That's all he'd say, and so that's what she did. Feeling like a pretty big fool herself with a googley doll magic wand twirling around in her hand....waiting for what!? She waited for days. Days turned into weeks, and she waited. Along came a nice looking, smart, athletic man munching a porkchop while jogging along the bank of the river. By golly, the strangest thing, for some inexplicable reason, the wand/scepter flew out of her hand and tangled itself at the ankles of the meat-jogger tripping him in the worst way. He went tumbling down the bank into the river, pork chop flying off into the brush and of course she panicked, thinking he might drown, or be swept away, or both!

By the time she got to the waters edge, the man was dragging , wet and muddy and generally very pissed off, out of the water, something rather huge in his jogging shorts was heaving to and fro. After her initial freak-out about the heaving shorts, and as whatever it was went slithering down his leg, she discovered it was a magical lemon-pepper fish! She was so happy she kissed the strange wet muddy man on his cute head and off she sent to bring the fool his fish. Fool was happy about the fish and privately regretful he hadn't put more on the list for this very enterprising girl.

The Fool told her he had some good news and some bad news, and being of a pragmatic nature, she asked for the bad news first. Fool told her that wicked dweeb had run off with Nancy Pelosi and the old tin house had been donated to the Democrats. The good news was that the man she tripped who captured the lemon-pepper fish in his jogging shorts wasn't gay. The fool presented her with a stupidly amazing crown which contained a compass that would help her find her way back to the meat-griller in jogging shorts. She did just that, and they lived happily ever after. Somewhere in Ohio.

The End

1 comment:

  1. What CAN'T be accomplished with a sword and a cute silver Vespa?!?!
    Although, and pardon my crudity, but if I had been the heroine, I might have been a tad disappointed when the whole "heaving shorts bulge" turned out to be a fish - though rare Ohioana lemon-pepper fish *might* have alleviated the disappointment.

    And I have always thought that compasses are amazingly handy things to have, but where do you keep one? In your pocket, where it could easily fall out a hole in the bottom? Too much of a risk to take...

    So to have a tiara to wear on your head to hold your compass is a brilliant idea!

    Such an idea would even make Nancy Pelosi smile!
    All be it, it would be that horribly terrifying rictor-grimace that passes as her smile...

    Oh, I do love a happy ending!